


Frankenpenis

by JennySmithInTARDIS



Series: April Crack-Attack Challenge [2]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Gender/Sexuality, Challenge Response, Crack, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, Gender Issues, Gender Related, Gender or Sex Swap, Humor, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Improvised Sex Toys, Inappropriate Humor, NSFW, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Prompt Fic, Sex Toys, Sexual Humor, Tumblr Prompt, What Have I Done, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-06-01 17:17:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6528949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennySmithInTARDIS/pseuds/JennySmithInTARDIS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor discovers he has a detachable penis after his regeneration. </p><p>This is for the second week of @whatwecanfic‘s April Crack-Attack Challenge on Tumblr. And I am sorry. So very, very sorry. </p><p>Prompt - A fic of any length, pairing or rating based on this music video. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byDiILrNbM4)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Frankenpenis

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you as always to my wonderful fandom bestie and beta, cloakoflife
> 
> I also made it a personal mission to call the Doctor’s ‘little friend’ as many cringey things as possible… I’m not even sorry.

It had happened after his regeneration. This had never happened in any of his other forms, yet none of his previous lives had been formed entirely for Rose Tyler. After his post-regeneration coma and a sword fight with the leader of the sycorax, the Doctor had taken a shower and upon further inspection, found something of a quirk his new anatomy had. In his hand he held his pork sword… His hand was in front of his face and his pied piper wasn't between his legs. It had popped off and seemed to be an optional body part. _Wellll, this could take some getting used to,_ he thought to himself as he further inspected his little - although not _that_ little, thank you very much! - friend.

 

A couple of days before the Game Station incident the Doctor had gone into Rose’s room to tell her to hurry up. Honestly, these stupid apes he picked up were always so slow in the mornings. His eyes had practically fallen out of his head when he’d seen it. Rose wasn’t there, he’d heard her shower running from behind the closed unsuite bathroom door. But there on her bed was a glistening fake phallus. He’d coughed awkwardly and ran from the room, choking on the too-thick-air that surrounded him.

 

Obviously this accidental breach of privacy into that particular aspect of his young companion's life had made quite the impact on his regenerative cells as his new self was born, in the most inconvenient of ways.  

 

For days he had them held up in the time vortex too afraid to exert himself too much. He told Rose he still wasn't feeling right since the coma, but to be perfectly honest he was terrified he would return to the TARDIS without his beloved pecker. What if he was running and it just popped off? Hmmm, then what? It would get in the way! And what if it fell out of his trousers completely? He certainly wasn’t going to leave it at home, that was for sure! If it did fall out of his trousers what the hell would he say to Rose?

_“Oh, sorry Rose, could we just turn and run back towards the impending danger. I just need to pick up my love muscle... Yes, I know this is unfortunate timing, but unfortunately I don't have a spare!”_

His not being human already made things harder for them. It really put a rift between their non-existent-but-ever-so-close-to-a-sexual-relationship and he seriously doubted a _detachable ding dong_ would up his chances of wooing Rose.

::

It was the 1st of February. Jackie Tyler’s birthday. Of course Rose had wanted to go home and visit her mother for the occasion and the Doctor reluctantly agreed to take Rose back to the estate. (Although secretly he was very much looking forward to seeing the closest thing he had to a family again.)

 

The whole estate was in full swing for Jackie Tyler’s 40th. One party spread out throughout the entire block of flats as there was no way that many people could fit into the tiny Tyler flat. The booze was flowing and before he’d had a chance to metabolize it, the Doctor had pulled a very distasteful prank and passed out on Jackie’s sofa.

 

He woke up the next morning to Jackie’s screams. He jumped up as quickly as possible and sprinted to her aid, sonic in hand. When he got to her bathroom he saw the issue and a memory from the previous night came back to him. _Oh, shit!_ he thought. His gaze followed Jackie and Howard’s to her medicine cabinet and there sitting on the second shelf was the Doctor’s skin flute.

“What the bloody ‘ell is that _thing_?” Jackie shrieked.

“It looks like a cock,” the very observant Howard stated.

“Yes, urm sorry Jackie. I thought it’d be funny last night,” the Doctor admitted.

Jackie spun round and stared at the Doctor, dumbfounded. He awkwardly scratched at the back of his neck with a guilty conscience. Jackie let her eyes wander down the Time Lord’s body as realisation dawned on her. Her eyes snapped back up to his face.

“Tell me it bloody well isn’t,” she hissed.

“Sorry, yeah it is… It’s… mine.” The Doctor coughed awkwardly and Jackie fell to the floor with a thud, having passed out from the shock.

Howard crouched down and attempted to rouse Jackie. Luckily, he thought the phallus was fake. It wasn't so lucky when he proceeded to pick it up and throw it in the bin.

::

When the Doctor and Rose were back on the TARDIS, she could barely look at him. Whenever she did a knowing smile tugged at her lips. Everything he seemed to do or say would cause her to suppress a chuckle. Alarm bells began to sound in his head. This was _not_ good! She definitely knew and after an hour he snapped.

“Oh, alright!” he shouted suddenly, causing Rose to jump and straighten up in the jump seat. “Fine. I’ve had enough pretending, Rose Tyler, my penis comes off! There, happy? I said it. It detaches and last night, in my drunken state, it found its way into your mother’s medicine cabinet and I am sorry! But, I can't help it and Jackie promised me she’d never tell you! So, who’s the real bad guy here, hmmm?”

“Actually, Doctor I was laughin’ ‘cause you’ve got your clothes on all inside out… Wait, you what?!”

 

After his little revelation the Doctor couldn't help but notice that his baby-maker disappeared a lot more often. He would take it off before bed and in the morning it would be gone. Like leaving a carrot out for Santa’s reindeer. Sometimes he would lose it for days at a time before he’d find it in a medicine cabinet. As soon as he’d find it he’d go to look for Rose, cum-gun safe in his boxers. She’d always be bright red, trying to hide her laughter.

 

She acted as though it were some practical joke, but the Doctor had his suspicions that she wasn't _just_ hiding it. He thought, he hoped she was _using_ it. Each time he lost his heat-seeking moisture missile he’d be a little uneasy. It made him feel less of a man. He hated having to pee sitting down and not being able to do… other things… without it. _Yet_ on some level he was fairly certain he had technically _shagged_ _Rose Tyler_ and wasn’t that just brilliant?!

::

In a half-human body the Doctor still kept some of his previous traits… this was discovered, much to his dismay, when the lovely Rose Tyler had tried to secretly get him off with her hand on the zeppelin ride home from Bad Wolf Bay. There was a popping sound and Rose was left holding a detached metre long king kong dong. _Shit_. She shrieked with laughter and Jackie came rushing over.

“What’s so fu-” Jackie never finished her question, having worked it out for herself at the sight or her only daughter holding the one-eyed trouser snake that had been hidden in her bathroom cabinet all those years ago.

“Oh for goodness sakes, you two!” Jackie continued to chastise them. “Really? Here?! I know it’s a private zeppelin, but I was only sat a few rows behind! Rose, I don’t know what you see in him, love. I really don’t. Flippin’ Frankenpenis, that one is! For once Doctor, keep it your pants, would you?.. literally.”

 

One morning, after a party at Jake’s house the Doctor woke up with a terrible hangover and was surprised to find something was missing. His little friend had gone for a wander. Rose had gone home, leaving the Doctor to fall asleep on Jake’s bedroom floor. She definitely hadn't taken it with her… had she? Perhaps she didn't trust him with it alone. This was her way of ensuring his loyalty and keeping him out of trouble. He rang her and she just laughed her head off down the phone. He decided he’d better ask Jake. Jake insisted he had no idea where the mayo shooting hotdog gun had gotten to, however he did promise that he’d give the Doctor a call if it ‘popped up’ before doubling over in hysterics.

 

The following Monday he walked into the office that he shared with the rest of his team at Torchwood. His friends and colleagues were all crowded around Jake’s computer giggling, mischievously. The Doctor had a peak and there, on ebay, was his whoopie stick. The seller was none other than Jake and he had labelled it as an ‘ancient alien artifact’. _Bloody cheek, this body was brand spanking new, thank you_ **_very_ ** _much!_ the Doctor thought to himself, indignantly.

 

The minimum bid was £22, which the Doctor thought was incredibly under-priced. He was certain if you were to ask Rose Tyler she’d agree that his wonderful, manly wang doodle was priceless! Yet no one seemed as interested as the Doctor to have a Time-Lord-Human-Meta-Crisis-detachable-penis to call their own. He managed to talk Jake down to a mere £17. Jake pulled the tan banana  out of his desk and tossed it to the Doctor.

“Mate, why don’t you just get surgery so that it stays on permanently?” Jake asked the man who had just come back from the loo, tallywhacker now firmly in place.  

“Wellll, even though it’s a bit of a pain in the back-side sometimes, I do like having a detachable penis… and so does Rose.” He finished with a smirk, shooting a wink at Jake before shifting his gaze to see a _very_ uncomfortable looking Pete Tyler stood in the doorway. Oops!  


End file.
